I was 29, had just days earlier delivered a stillborn little boy at 33 weeks, and my friend commiserated with me by offering, “It just doesn’t make sense that V------ had a healthy baby and yours was dead. You & Jon are so faithful to God, and she isn’t at all.”Several weeks later as I struggled in the back row of church after a Sunday evening service, the tears fell and I hurriedly tried to wipe them away so no one would see. An older woman approached me and kindly touched my arm without an initial word. I offered, “I’m so embarrassed of these tears, but the song service just brings out all my emotions and the hurt returns. I’m a pastor’s wife. How can I let others see that I am still struggling after all this time?”
Her wise words to follow, in the form of a question, have stayed with me all these years: “If you don’t dare show your tears, how will others who hurt ever feel safe to reveal and admit theirs?” I honestly don’t remember if she said the next words or I just inferred them, but the message was clear: “God gave us grief as part of being human, and it is not sinful to feel sad after a loss like yours."
Two separate, very different responses from friends. One I naturally knew to reject, and the other poured the balm of healing on a gaping wound ---indeed, it has ministered to me for over 2 decades in its wisdom and freeing truth.
Why did each woman speak as she did?
1. Human nature. We ALL have times when we open our mouths and out comes S*T*U*P*I*D, even when we don’t mean to.2. Education. Learning how to speak to another (actually, how to LOVE another with our words) & respond is something about which we can be educated.
This post is my attempt at #2.
These are not original thoughts with me; indeed, I’m taking most of these ideas from David Powlison, shared at a conference I attended this past year.
But this is spot-on advice. And I need it. My prayer is it may be of help to you, too.
1. Speak only after thinking. Don’t speak merely out of impulse, emotion, or obligation.
2. Speak from the humble position that we ALL need help & hope. Weakness is a human condition that God celebrates because it gives His strength opportunity to shine.
2. Speak only after listening. Careful attention shows concern and that you are engaged. Ask a question (and listen) twice as often as you offer a response.
3. Speak without assumptions about the other’s motives or beliefs. Instead, ask questions to draw out what IS going on inside and to understand the other’s thoughts, feelings, and struggles.
4. Speak out of grace. Grace is the DNA of Biblical love, and offering safety to another to reveal the most painful or even shameful parts of life without shock or self-righteousness is Christ-like. Speak with gentle & winsome truth, especially if it needs to be corrective. And give this grace often and freely as grace has but a 1 day shelf life.
6. Speak without words. When you are unsure of what to say, choose silence or the safe and effective refrain “I am so sorry.” When accompanied with sensitive but direct eye contact and/ or a gentle hug, this simple phrase is SO much better than speaking. And if you do say, “I’ll be praying for you”, follow through.
7. Speak first-hand truth. What has God used to minister to or encourage you? Consider sharing this, but don’t turn it around to be all about your experience. If you do share the truth or verse or help that was your experience, don’t imply it as a pill she must take to be helped too. Illustrate God is faithful without prescribing how He will prove this to her.
8. Speak prayerfully. Before a word is spoken, ask for help & wisdom from the One who gives comfort, help, & hope. And finishing the conversation you choose to have, the best ending may be joining hearts together in prayer.
Jonathan Jeffrey was stillborn on August 31, 1991, and it began a journey of grief that enabled me to learn of God’s providence, comfort, and sovereignty in a way I never would have known through any other means.
The event also allows me to live out the truth of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
It’s a prayer I still breathe often. I’m thankful for the many ways God continues to grow me in how I speak to others, and mindful of how very much I still need to learn, as my responses never come easy, automatic, or without uncertainty.
But God has called us to minister grace to others through our words. And we can avoid inserting our foot where it should not be.
