When the Darkness Does Not Lift

At this stage of my life, I have gotten to know myself pretty well. The cycles of my sinister emotional struggles are familiar acquaintances, and I have learned to recognize and combat them with a fair degree of skill.

Causes of these times of darkness, and the influences that might trigger them, seem more elusive. An inordinate effort has been spent over the years sorting through and considering possible reasons and bases, roots and origins. Personal sin (past or present), physical ailments, stressful demands, emotions, spiritual immaturity or disobedience, a self focus, are the top runners of themes that frequently get suggested by others.

Those closest to me now typically remain silent in this area, as ruts of conversation have frequently reoccurred without resolution in this debate. I have rigorously put myself through the ringers of each possibility without solution.

Clarity is much more apparent, however, regarding the purpose of such suffering. This knowledge remains substantive and straightforward, if fairly unspecific: “the trial of your faith brings forth perseverance, and let suffering have its perfect work that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:4-5).”

The byproducts of this private anguish are compassion for the suffering of others, especially that personal, sometimes even irrational state of melancholy and depression. These times bring a heightened awareness of my dependence upon God, for He truly is the object of my only Hope and my frequent cries for enablement and deliverance. I experience, as well, a tenacious journey of perseverance and determination as I do battle not to let it overtake, overwhelm or distract me from my life purpose to stand firm in faith and hope.

That can be really hard.

But I do know, in this swirling darkness, a little about hope.

For I know a lot, actually, about my Savior who is there with me.

>He is faithful, working all things for my good, his glory and the eternal purposes of conforming me to the image of His son.

>He loves me, knows my pain, provides opportunity for me to resist sin’s wiles which may lure me, and never leaves my side.

>He prepares for me a permanent rest from this struggle, a time in eternity future where all of the brokenness of this life will be swept away in the perfection of his presence, and I will fellowship with Him in restoration and release.

Meanwhile, I take the advice of the Apostle Paul who says, “And do not be weary in doing good, for in due season you will reap if you don’t faint.”

This is why most will still see my smile and, I hope, not even be aware of my struggle (except that my blog now has 'blown my cover’),

God gives me faith. I see His magnificent grace in my life.

And I won’t let go.

Not even in the darkness.