Lonely in a Crowd?

Last night I was reading an interview with Mark Souder, whom you may remember, was found to be unfaithful to his wife while a congressman in Washington, DC. The article detailed quite transparently the confessions of this professing believer as he looked back over the several year affair and how he had allowed his sin to take root and then grow.

One statement caught my attention. In describing the contributing factors which made his sin so inviting, he said the following: “One of the biggest dangers—which is partly why intimacy is desired—is loneliness. Loneliness doesn’t mean being alone as much as it means being around hundreds of people but not really knowing them.”

I paused to consider that statement. Not so much in regard to sexual and marital fidelity (although it certainly is understandable there), but in the context of the local church.

Loneliness doesn’t mean being alone as much as it means being around hundreds of people but not really knowing them.

Is this true of some who walk in our doors week after week?

Could one attend church, being surrounded by hundreds of other worshiping believers, and yet feel she doesn’t really know any of them?

That would be lonely.

And more destructively, it would be directly contrary to God’s pattern for the church.

His New Testament plan is shared, transparent, loving support, intimacy, watch care over and encouragement to each other.

One can’t live this grand enterprise ('the Church') without knowing (and being know by) those around you.

If you find yourself feeling disconnected, on the outside, ‘being around hundreds of people but not really knowing them’, may I offer a few suggestions?

#1 – Don’t settle for this lonely place. Take the initiative to build relationships, one person and one conversation at a time. Not by waiting for another to step forward but taking the step forward yourself. Set a goal to meet one new person each service. Look around for someone new, another who might need a friendly word, or just someone you haven’t met yet. Practice introducing yourself and asking about the other (your bathroom mirror will not give away your secrets!). The more you do this, the better you’ll get at it, and the easier it will become. And don’t allow yourself to harbor private ‘offenses’ related to those around you. This isolating, destructive disunity does not come from above.

If you find you are the kind of person that prefers to be a ‘loner’, I challenge you to read through the New Testament and find Biblical support for this lifestyle choice. I think you’ll instead find God’s Word explicit in relationship emphasis.

#2 – Recognize all the opportunities of church life. Each time people gather, a different, diverse opportunity to get to know others presents itself. Explore the ‘game life’ of others at Camp Clearwaters, the “power tool” interest of yet others on work day, the past history of another as you sit on a lawn chair at a picnic, etc. Conversations are like nuggets of treasure waiting to be mined as you use them to get to know another. If you want to know others (and be known by them, in a good sense), you must be around. Look past what is most natural (stay to myself) or easiest (stay at home), to give God opportunity to bless others through your life and possibly bless your life through others.

#3 – As you get to know others, ask questions beyond the mundane, which get below the surface. Show genuine interest in others, and don’t feel afraid to talk about the true, unifying element that you share: God in your life. If you leave most conversations (with other believers) having never mentioned any aspect of our spiritual walk, what is wrong? Is our greater interest in other things more than God? Or is our ‘keep to ourselves’ mentality crippling opportunities to encourage others? If we gather to worship, praise & learn about God together, then by all means, talk about Him!

The next time you gather in church, look around.

How many do you know?
How many know you?

Let’s not be a lonely church; may God enable us to be a real family, surrounded in love by those we know and who truly know us.